Sex Addiction: Is it Real?

Sex Addiction: Is it Real?

As I wake up I turn on Maury for an unhealthy dose of drama. As usual Maury is running lie detector tests for people who suspect their spouses of cheating. One guy blames his promiscuity on being a Sex addict:
Wife: “Well if you are a sex addict how come you don’t have sex with me”?
Husband: “…Well I don’t have time anymore I am a working man…”

The crowd boos loudly

Sex addict? Yea right but we barely believe the guys on these shows anyway (BTW: He failed his lie detector test) So is this guy giving real sex addicts a bad name or is it just a cop out? What is a sex addict anyway?

According to Michael Herkov, Ph.D (PsychCentral.com) There are numerous ways to define Sex Addiction and its symptoms:
The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has defined sexual addiction as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.” The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders, Volume Four describes sex addiction, under the category “Sexual Disorders Not Otherwise Specified,” as “distress about a pattern of repeated sexual relationships involving a succession of lovers who are experienced by the individual only as things to be used.” According to the manual, sex addiction also involves “compulsive searching for multiple partners, compulsive fixation on an unattainable partner, compulsive masturbation, compulsive love relationships and compulsive sexuality in a relationship.”
Herkov distinctively points out that sexual addiction works like any other addiction where increased activity leads to desensitivity. Due to desensitivity, it takes more and more of the activity to illicit the desired amount of pleasure. -If that made sense…I barely made it out of my Psych 210 class (Learning)- However, Herkov also points out that the difference between sex and other activities or substances such as drugs and alcohol is that sex is classified as an essential activity to human life. Despite popular belief human survival does not depend on blunts, Bacardi and Blackjack, but we do need sex to reproduce.

Some professionals are just not buying that sex is like any other addiction. Craig Fabrikant, a clinical psychologist at the Hackensack University Medical Center told CNN that he doubts the addition even exists. "I think it's more of a habit than an addiction," he says. "I would classify it as OCD -- more of an obsession or compulsion than an addiction."

When it comes down to it most of the professionals are depending on activity in the brain to give the answer. If sex addiction causes the same brain changes as other addictions then it’s authenticity will be hard to argue against. Sex addiction is not listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) simply because there have not been adequate research and records on the condition. Sex addiction not being listed in the DSM will create more work for therapists seeking treatments and more work for victims seeking compensation from health insurance.

So is it real? I guess the answer is in the eye of the beholder (or the therapists). One thing we all know for sure is that this condition has a tendency to always hurt others physically and emotionally:
Roughly 55 percent of convicted sex offenders can be considered sex addicts.
About 71 percent of child molesters are sex addicts. For many, their problems are so severe that imprisonment is the only way to ensure society’s safety against them.
Victims are never able to stay faithful in a relationship; therefore they put their partners at risk for sexual transmitted infections
Victims are no longer in control of their lives, meaning consequences do not exist in their world. One sex addicted admitted to CNN that his condition began at age 16 and would seek pleasure starting at 4a.m. from pornography, prostitutes, and women he would have only known for 3 days.

We can argue for years about whether or not this addiction is “legit” or not but while we are arguing let’s not forget that this addiction also affects people surrounding the victim. Wives, husbands, children, friends and even employers who depend on these victims are affected. How many more STDs need to be transmitted or marriages have to be broken for this addiction to get more attention?
This addiction has a long way to go before it is accepted enough to be on health insurance! Only more statistics, research studies and more people stepping forward to share their experiences on this addiction will speed up the process. It would also help to put aside judgments and assumptions. Let’s give it 5-10 years.

If You're a Jerk & You Know it Clap Your Hands

Thanks to the New Boyz being a jerk is now popular. But what exactly is being a jerk?
Dictionary.com : a contemptibly naive, fatuous, foolish, or inconsequential person.
"So cocky with it..." as the New Boyz would say but is it something to really be proud about? What do people get out of treating other people like trash? Is being a jerk really worth the time, energy and damage? I guess maybe they get a sense of satisfaction, but I'm sure its only temporary. Here are a variety of jerks that I've witnessed:

Professional Jerk:
Instigator: Purposely and maliciously saying rude comments toward someone in front of a lot of people just to get a rise out of them. [they can dish it but can't take it]
Fence Straddlers: people who stir up trouble among friends due to jealousy, envy or for their own personal amusement. [ these people really ruin some tight bonds]
Crabs: People who call you a friend but try to pull you down so they can consider
you "beneath them". [they need reassurance of their confidence]
Knuck if You Buck: People who always try to fight and pop off for no reason. [GET OUT MY FACE HOE!]

Annoying Jerks
Pity Seekers: People who like to purposely bring down your good mood so they can be the
center of attention [Its ok to at least pretend that you're happy for someone, that way you can be a wannabe jerk]
Collegiate Jerk: A person that think they know everything about EVERYTHING. They thrive off correcting people or pointing out flaws. [probably to overshadow their own imperfections]
Passive Jerk: People who try to be a jerk on the sly so that people can still trust them. They show their jerkiness in very settle ways that may be hard to catch. [Kind of like an angel with devil horns]
Amnesia Jerks: People who always seem to forget what they said once before. They always change their story and break promises

Wannabe Jerk
Fakeness: Smiling, friendly gestures, unnecessary conversations with a person you hate.[Manners is one thing but keepin it real is also important]
Posers: People who don't speak or act like themselves when they are around their so-called friends. [if you can't be ypurself reevaluate your friendships]
Facebook Gangsta: People who are outgoing and bold on Facebook but act like you are invisible in person. [Nobody looks THAT different from their picture]
Defense Jerk: People who constantly befriend, take up for and make excuses for professional jerks. [ex. Oh he’s just a regular guy or She was just raised that way….[I don’t care who or what you are

Since being a jerk is so popular I'm sure more varieties will arise soon enough. Everything is fun and games until you get called out on it. I'm not sure if more people are becoming jerks to spite everyone else or if they are trying to accommodate the other jerks out there. Why can't we be civil to one or another? Maybe I'll add this to my research list :/

Domestic Violence: This isn't the 1950's anymore...

Well if you haven't heard Chris Brown accepted a Plea Bargain of 5 years, 180 days of community service, staying 50ft from Rihanna and has to enroll in a domestic violence program. I'm surprised they didn't make an example out of Chris because the Vick sentencing had me paranoid. However, he is still a CONVICTED FELON. No matter how light the sentencing he received felony charges for this and it will never go away. Now the pictures of how bad he beat Rihanna made it seem like he was trying to kill the girl, so of course a harsh sentencing was what people were expecting. I remember Chris initially pleading not guilty...which confused all of us because its kind of hard to lie about things the whole world knows about...or what we THINK we know.

Tangent: Plea Bargains are ruining our black youth. It is a trap and it is hard to avoid because the law makes it scary to stand up for what we didn't do. Lawyers make plea bargains appealing by alluding that it is some type of "freedom." Bottom Line: don't say you did something if you didn't.

There was a heated debate on the radio about men hitting women when the WOMAN is the one being abusive in the relationship. If you was raised by a black mom or have black sisters, you probably already know that when black women get angry they sometimes have a tendency to get a little violent. [This is also a stereotype of black women which automatically overlooks black women who know how to control their anger. ] The radio host talked about his disappointment with youth who have talked to him about the issue of domestic abuse. Some believe that "it's not a big deal, because their friends fight with their boyfriends and girlfriends all the time, it's just APART of their relationship". This is clearly not ok.

So what's the deal? The deal is that woman are not afraid anymore. They are not raised to be afraid they are raised to take charge when necessary. So when they are angry they could care less about respecting a man's ego because more and more females are being raised to be able to survive without men. This is different from a couple of decades ago when women were encouraged to settle down quickly so a man can take care of them for the rest of their life. We now have the "we don't need you attitude" and are more than happy to show men we mean business verbally and physically. Now does that mean men should be allowed to hit women back now? NO. you know why?... because who goes to jail in the end? THE MAN.Just because the woman threw the first punch doesn't mean you won't be sitting behind bars. Now there are a small percentage of domestic violent case where the woman is the abuser, but once again ego gets in the way of these cases being analyzed & publicised. Everyone has the right to defend themselves, which is why fighting back all the time will hurt your chances of proving that your mate is a danger to you.

I bet you're wondering....."Whats wrong with us!!??" As a female myself I don't even have a concrete answer myself. What I do know is that the black communiy has a tendancy to bottle up all their problems within themselves, which is often why women and men get to the point where they just want to blow up. Ever heard the line: "I can show you better than I can tell you?" [my mom tells me that all the time] But now its getting ridiculous, instead of getting family counseling or talking out problems people are choosing to kill their family or significant other rather than fix things.

But the bottom line is a person will only treat you the way you let them treat you. If that line isn't drawn and not made clear then you will fall for anything. MANY innocent men have went to jail or either been killed for accusations of harming women. Woman have the power to do that, so guys now a days have to be prepared. If you are still digging in your little black book than be prepared to defend yourself because nowadays women are going from blowing out tires to blowing up your house. And ladies it only takes one beating for a man to realize he has control over you. Set him straight or things will get ugly as we already know thanks to Chris & Riri . This isn't the 1950's anymore...

I started this post 2 weeks ago and just decided to finish it so I'm sure the really god things i had to say are floating somewhere in my brain. Coming soon is my thoughts about this South Carolina governor who said he found his soulmate but wants to make it work with his wife by falling BACK in love with her! Talk about heartache and Humiliation, I would hate to be in his wife's shoes

Excuses or Inspiration?

So i stumbled across a quote from someone: "When people say life is short they must be talking about their own lives because ima be here for awhile". I thought this was hilarious, but true and also made me think of this quote from Chris Rock's movie I think I love my Wife:

"You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.


[My personality psych teacher used wikipedia so i will too]

DEFENSE MECHANISMS:

In Freudian psychoanalytic theory, defence mechanisms or defense mechanisms are psychological strategies brought into play by various entities to cope with reality and to maintain self-image. Healthy persons normally use different defences throughout life. An ego defence mechanism becomes pathological only when its persistent use leads to maladaptive behavior such that the physical and/or mental health of the individual is adversely affected. The purpose of the Ego Defence Mechanisms is to protect the mind/self/ego from anxiety, social sanctions or to provide a refuge from a situation with which one cannot currently cope.

SO this made me wonder if saying phrases like "life is too short" or "tomorrow may not come" is a defense mechanism for people to not take responsibility for their actions. Now I need help on this one Ryan lol. I can never remember all the defense mechanisms but we use them so much that it maybe an unconscious thing. I'm just going to g out on a limb and say these phrases remind me of the defense mechanism: Rationalization. Now i bet a lot of people never gave a second thought about rationalization being a defense mechanism. Why? Because we do it so often that we get away with it:

~Rationalization: The sense in where the person convinces themselves that no wrong happened and that it is or was all right. The main show of this defence comes in the form of EXCUSES
~Rationalization is known as a Level 3 Defense Mechanism: These mechanisms are considered neurotic, but fairly common in adults. Such defences have short-term advantages in coping, but can often cause long-term problems in relationships, work and in enjoying life when used as one's primary style of coping with the world.

I like that: "short-term advantages in coping, but can often cause long-term problems..."
In other words not taking responsibility for your actions because you want to think life is just a toss up can be damaging. What are you learning if you never take responsibility for your mistakes or actions. I'm not saying to have regrets i'm just saying that being reflective and not letting history repeat itself is an aspect of life we should NOT be avoiding. How do we start taking responsibility for our life? By growing up of course! I don't mean to oversimplify things but maturity is the best medicine in my opinion. I also understand that this is easier said than done. As we enter adulthood we are bouncing around trying to find some air like fish out of water. As we are trying to find air we may develop some selfish ways, which may be rationalized by "living everyday like its your last." Now i do agree that you are supposed to give your best everyday, but i learned from a wise man that its OK to have our off days, so i will stop beating up myself when i have these days and you should too.

I can understand using rationalization if you are trying to cope with something that is out of your control.(like someones death "It was their time to go, they're in a better place) Or even more difficult, coping with something that went wrong on your behalf. We can't turn back the hands of time and saying "shoulda, coulda, woulda" won't help anyone. What is more important is taking responsibility for your actions and not letting your actions define you. Using defense mechanisms overall may be hard to avoid as we get older, but there ARE ways to be aware of how we deal mentally with things. For example, when you make a mistake try your hardest to figure out what you learned from this experience and how you can avoid it next time. Making the same mistake over and over not only makes you foolish , but it could harm the people and experiences you are trying to maintain. An article i read said you don't live and learn you "learn then you live". This is so true, if you keep living without learning than you will burn yourself out.

So the next time you sleep with that girl without wearing protection, or spend your whole paycheck on rims for your car think REAL hard when you get those STDs results back or when you are sitting in your house with no power. Don't simply say you did it cause "Life is short and you want to enjoy it" because I'm sure the people you may be affecting don't want to hear that. I also bet when you look back on your life 10 years and you are taking medication for AIDs or sitting in a homeless shelter you wouldn't believe that's what you said to justify your actions. Take Responsibility for your life nobody can live it like you.

Friend Me: Social Networking Sites and Interpersonal Relations

When entrepreneur and computer scientist Mark Zuckerberg began to design Facebook, he originally included a few close friends, hoping to eventually expand to the entire Harvard student body. What he got was participation from over 200 million users world wide, at the collegiate level, in the workforce, and everything in between. I know my title may suggest I want to cover a variety of social sites in this post, but I have decided to stick to Facebook, which is by far the largest and most popular of sites of its nature.

Is there a problem with social networking sites? Not if they're used correctly, but with our fast paced world today and increasingly easy access to technology, the costs of social networking reign far supreme over its supposed benefits. Like Ryan mentioned in his previous post, conformity is all too common in our generation. Certainly, terms like groupthink and inferiority complex have been tossed around for decades. The Internet just makes conformity that much more appealing.

Bear with me, but I would like to discuss several common situations (some of which I have actually been privy to, smh) that sites like Facebook enable, and continue to present. These sites can, and do, make relationships suffer. Because of our close ties to technology in our society, actions executed behind a screen can by just as detrimental as those an individual may take irl.

Here we go.

1. Lost in translation - when a Friend isn't a friend

You know the deal. Your very best "BFF" is having a gigantic pool party, and of course everyone knows about it because she put it all out on FB, and, yep, you guessed it, you weren't invited. You're upset. You get angry, and dammit you think you have every right to be! I mean, you friended this girl nearly 2 months ago and you get no invite! What nerve!

...Hate to break it to you, but social networking sites aren't exactly conducive to nurturing a friendship, and many of the "friendships" that you have on places like Facebook are superficial at best. Facebook Gifts should not take the place of giving your "old friend" a call every now and then, and to tell you the truth, I know for a fact a good number of people I am "friends" with on FB that I would never really talk to irl. It's not rude, it's a the truth. When people start associating their online behaviors with actual relationships, confusion can occur. That is why communication (and not over the Internet!) is important in all relationships. Just don't expect someone to automatically love you because they cranked that friend request. It doesn't work that way.

I learned about this the hard way when I was confronted (actually, I won't use the word confronted, because the coward did it over the Internet) accused of being a bad "friend" and told that my former "friend" was "SO DONE WITH ME".) I was at first confused, seeing as I never considered the person a close friend, just an acquaintance.

FACEBOOK IS NOTORIOUS FOR THIS.

People see your relationship status, look at a few tagged photos, and read your favorite quotes and all of a sudden, they start thinking they know you. Obviously, the situation is different when the person in question is already a good friend, but how many of your FB friends are actually friends, vs acquaintances? I bet the ratio is in favor of acquaintances, due to the nature of FB. It's a networking site.

What I guess I'm trying to say is, just because you're Friends with Bob from Econ from 3 1/2 years ago doesn't mean he is your friend, so be wise.

2. "Facebook Official"

I hate, hate, hate this term. My life is not validated by bytes on a screen, thank you very much. Still, people feel the need to continually suggest that Facebook is the Be-All End-All on just about everything, especially relationships.

I know you've all gotten annoyed with the constant onslaught of relationship statues and changes on facebook. It's cute the first time. When I find out that, in twenty minutes of time, a person has gotten engaged, separated, in an open relationship with, and finally in a complicated semi-open relationship with their dog (or whatever) I get annoyed.

I was shocked when a Friend (notice the caps) point blank told me that a person could not be in a relationship if it wasn't on FB.

I suppose my favorite author isn't Maya Angelou, either, because it's not on FB.

The sad thing is, after that experience, I have heard the same thing from people who should know better. Since when does the Internet validate the feelings we feel? This all goes back to miscommunication as well. A lot of the random relationship changes that clog up our newsfeeds are from people who don't know how to actually use their communication skills to solve problems. Argue with me all you want, but if your relationship status changes 10 times in 1 hour, there is a problem. I'm not voting for yay or neigh on putting relationship statuses on pages, it can be helpful. I'm just saying that it ain't all its cracked up to be.

Oh, and guys (and girls, although I have yet to hear of a girl to do this): If you want to cut things short with someone, DO NOT do it over Facebook. The most humiliating and down right disrespectful thing you can do to someone you once "cared" about is to underhandedly cancel your relationship without telling them. You are letting a computer dump your significant other, and pardon my use of the term, but that's bitchassness right there. Almost as bitchass as breaking up with someone in a facebook message, but that's for another time.

3. Greenbook - Keeping those Jealous Feelings at Bay

Now, for the most part, I know that most (normal) people don't use FB for more than the occasional creep. Yes, it's always nice to know what so and so is doing, nosyness, it's human nature. When you let that curiosity blossom into an obsession is when it becomes a problem. A while back, I was reading an article on how social networking sites tended to cause stress in relationships because of lovers who feel, in whatever way, they have been mistreated or slighted.

This, I say, is true, but not only limited to romantic pairs : jealousy can be sparked by something as simple as a wall post to a friend. Facebook makes it so easy to creep, but that doesn't mean it's right! I find it so disturbing when people will look at someone else's FB (usually girls) and just go to town on them. Bashing, going years back to find an unflattering picture, you name it. It's unhealthy, and frankly, very immature. I once actually had someone tell me( expecting me to laugh with her), "Yeah, I only go on the FB's of the 'popular' kids so I can laugh at them".

Seriously. Do you have nothing better to do than be envious of someone you don't even know?

I tend to find this is limited to those with particularly low self esteem.

So yes, snoop all you want on FB if you think its fun (and indeed at times it is), but don't let it get so serious that you bcome obessed and start making death threats. Communication? Again key. That girl with the martini next to your boyfriend might very well be his sister. Unlikely, but maybe.

4."OMG HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?!!"

This is the big one. People are innately curious. If you give them something to talk about, they will. Like Jade said, if you put your business out on FB, someone will find out. I think it is so annoying when people post something all over FB and then get mad when people find out about it. HELLO. Case in Point: My first year of college, a friend got hurt during a trip and didn't want anyone to know about it. So he and the other people he were with posted notes, sketchy statuses, and comments all over facebook, and had the nerve to be angry and call people "gossips" when the world found out about it. No, no, no!

'Just because you're speaking "discreetly" doesn't mean anything, either...if people want to find out, they will, believe me. You think your statuses are elusive? They're not.

Rule of thumb? If you don't want people to know it, don't post it on the Internet. Because once it's here, it stays there. Yes, all of your deleted photos, emails, and Tweets are still floating out there. Be careful what you say.

That's pretty much all I have got for now (especially because I feel like this post has been on the lengthy side), but in conclusion, I think that social networks have definently changed our forms of communication, but in the end, we must be the ones to use this tools responsibly. Just because "everyone else" is doing it is not a good enough reason. Groupthink is not the way to go!

Unfortunately, I have no amazing quotes to close like Ry :-)

Conforming under the pressures of Social Psychology

Now I honestly wasn't going to make an introduction post for myself and still don't plan on it. Yet as my role solidified with being in a blog "a social setting" with three good friends, I feel the pressure mounting against me(idea of resilience with conformity[ by the way this is my way of incorporating psychology into everyday life and vise versa, a connection that I feel is important). I contemplated how it would look to start off if all the other posters had an introduction, while my participation dwindled in comparison, noticed only in my commentary on others notes. It seemed that I would be ostracized thus prompting me to start this entry. All i will say about my attachment level (okay I've truly forget these) to psychology is one of interest, and can be summed up into three things.

Where is the mind? It has not an anatomical location? That's the difference between biology and psychology... the unknown factor.

Reference (in my opinion) to social psychology: "Not he is great who can alter matter, but he who can alter my state of mind"- Ralph Ellison

"What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. What is the soul? It is immaterial." - Thomas Hood

Psych Skills on Site

Ay! Whattup world? First off I just wanna thank ms Jade for letting me be a part of this. Looks like fun!!

And it's fitting, since I just decided to not do leadership and go after a minor in psychology ;)

I really enjoy the concept of psychology. Alot of disciplines discuss how we act, but Psychology doesn't just try to explain why we do the things we do (like a sociologist) but it wants to explain why we would even WANT to do the things that we do in the first place. And that usually is the root of the matter to begin with, which where it gets most interesting. People are interesting, and will only get more interesting as we learn more and more about them, which makes psychology more and more of an interesting topic as we learn more about social psych, personality psych, and the different facets that could all intertwine themselves into one sole decision.

I see the introductory blog is supposed to be a short one huh? lol so I guess I'll conclude here. I guess I would just say psych is most interesting because it dares to ask the questions that may not have answers yet! which is a perfect equilibrium between the philosopher (who asks questions that may not ever have answers) and the mathematician (who asks questions and finds answers instantaneously). Which is why I find it intriguing.

Welcome!!!

-$.dale